The past few days have been really hard, food craving wise. In fact, I’m not exactly sure what I want to say in this post. I’m not sure if I want to scream, “This is hard!” or if I want to use this forum to admit my guilt and transgressions of last night. My goal in all of my posts is to be as open and candid as possible about myself. If I’m truly going to document this journey with full integrity, it means revealing the bad, along with the good.
My gluten free journey started about three months ago, and it’s been going surprisingly well. In fact, in the back of my mind I’ve wondered when I might hit a wall. I know myself too well, and I’m wise enough to know that four decades of food addiction and emotional eating doesn’t just vanish overnight. But the past three months have resulted in a 60 pound weight loss, and going down a few sizes in my jeans. But most importantly, it’s resulted in me feeling so much better mentally and physically. But the past few days have been challenging, and yesterday, well yesterday just plain sucked!
Over the past three months, I’ve been able to keep a handle on my emotional eating. In the past few weeks alone, I’ve encountered personal rejection and disappointment. First, there was a six hour date with a man who couldn’t seem to stop himself from showering me with compliments the entire time, yet I never heard from him again. (please join me in the theory that he is working for the CIA and was suddenly assigned a top secret mission in a country far, far away.) Second, it was a tryout to be a lead singer for a new Christian band. Originally, I was selected and invited to the next band rehearsal. However, a day before the rehearsal I received an email stating they decided to go with a male lead singer. In both of those situations, I never thought about comforting myself with food, which is a change for me. But there seems to be one emotion that is my Achilles’ heel…stress. I am 100%, certifiably, a big stress eater. Unfortunately, stress is just part of life and although some days it’s higher than others, it’s a constant. Yesterday, I could feel from the moment I woke up that I wanted to eat. I went to the café at work to get breakfast; my urge was to order a breakfast burrito. (huge no-no because of the flour tortilla) But I fought the urge and ordered my egg white omelet with turkey bacon. Lunch time found me back in the café where one of the options was fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and corn on the cob…yum! But once again, I made my way past that station and ordered a hamburger, no cheese, no bun, with a side of asparagus. The afternoon was brutal, it’s hard to explain what I was feeling, all I can really say is it was just this constant, annoying, feeling of wanting to eat something “yummy.” I just couldn’t shake it. To make a long story short, I didn’t shake it, and I gave in with dinner. I treated myself to my favorite Mexican restaurant and Dairy Queen. Just so you understand how self-destructive my behavior was, I didn’t even display enough will power to choose gluten free options at either place, even though both offer them. After I got home, I spent 20 minutes in the bathroom getting completely sick (which I deserved) and then spent the rest of the evening overwhelmed with shame and guilt. Mostly because I felt I’d come so far in controlling what I ate, yet it was a reality check that I still have far to go. It was disappointing to have been fighting my battle all day, only to waive the white flag and give in at the end of the day. Just as a side note, nothing I ate made the stress go away. I mean, Dairy Queen is good, but it’s not that good. But this morning I made a conscious choice, I’m going to do my best to forgive my own transgressions, dust off, and get back on the horse. There are always going to be good days, bad days, and even way crappy days like yesterday. The good news is (God willing) there is always a new day tomorrow.